hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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