My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
