it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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