...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
