I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
