what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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