cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
