if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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