I wish I only lived at night.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
