well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
