If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
