so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
