I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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