Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
