Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
