Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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