Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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