im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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