i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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