You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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