tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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