He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize