there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like abortions should bother me more
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize