he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
