The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
