I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
