Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
