i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize