Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
