so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
