Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
