remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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