mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
