How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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