Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
