i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
