Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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