I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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