you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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