I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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