you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
