My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Randomize
