i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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