Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
