Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
