The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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