my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
