my phone needs a breathalizer
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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