this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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