Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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