I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
