Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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