i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
