my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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