I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
