I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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