You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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